by Marissa Gold
Looking for a serious relationship? There's surely no faster or easier way to meet someone than through online dating — and weeding out Mr. Wrongs from the comfort of your own home sure beats spending countless Saturday nights on dates from hell. But is it really as simple as logging on, signing up and — POOF! — finding your soul mate? Maybe! But the perfect guy won't necessarily come to you — you've got to use the resources at your fingertips to find each other. But who am I to say this, and how do I know? Well…
As you may have guessed, I'm speaking from experience. I met my boyfriend online over a year ago. I may have been a 20-something single smack-dab in one of the most active dating scenes in the world, but NYC is notorious for being a very challenging place to meet quality guys. So when I'd had one too many $14 drinks and heard one too many lame pickup lines, I started complaining to friends about my dating difficulties.
Surprisingly, everyone had the same response: "Have you tried going online?" Apparently, they all had — and they gave it positive reviews across the board. So I signed up on a site, and, lo and behold, the first guy I went out with ended up becoming my boyfriend. Was it luck or just solid technique? I like to think it was a little of both.
Two women who have the technique down are Beth Roberts and Karin Anderson, who recently co wrote a book called Finding Your Mate Online: No Fear, No Embarrassment, Just Love! Why did these two high-powered businesswomen write a book? Because they're both smart, attractive and successful — and they both met their husbands online. "We strongly believe that you should approach online dating as though it were a job. Don't just jump in; be organized and have a plan," says Roberts.
Here are their seven top tips.
1. Just Say No
The first rule of success is to not compromise. "If you definitely want to meet a man to marry and have children, make that one of your criteria," says Roberts. And if you have a deal breaker in mind, don't compromise on that either. These aren't silly things like a hair-color preference; these are real needs that only you can identify for yourself.
Now, as for the guys who don't make the cut, there will inevitably be many of them who'll contact you. And if you know you're not interested, writing out a detailed pity response to each one will just take time away from finding someone you do want to pursue. Anderson's advice: Prepare a standard reply for men who don't meet your requirements:
"Thanks for your reply. You sound like a great guy, but I don't think we're a match. Best of luck in your search!"
Simple as that. And you're on to bigger and better things…
2. Sell Yourself
Next up: your profile. "The number one mistake that everyone — not just women — makes with an online dating ad is writing about what they want instead of what they have to offer," says Roberts. It's important to give people a sense of your personality and what you bring to the table, too.
Anderson adds, "Too often we find women's ads full of clichés like 'I love romantic walks on the beach' or generic statements like 'I love going to the movies.' Offer examples of what you did last weekend, which book you're in the middle of reading, and what athletic activity you do every week." Don't be afraid to get a little personal — that's why it's called a personal ad, after all.
3. Tell Me No Lies
Many people fear online dating for the same reason: They're afraid people aren't honest in their profiles. The temptation to knock off a few pounds, a few years, or even to add a figure or two to your salary can be tempting. But resist the urge! "White lies or fudging, whatever you want to call it, defeats the entire purpose of online dating!" says Anderson. "You're looking for someone who thinks you are the most fabulous person in the world."
So don't worry about whether you'd look better if you made a little tweak here, a little change there: If you want a lasting relationship, you'll need to find someone who loves you just the way you are.
4. It Takes a Village
Online dating doesn't have to be something you do secretly on your own. Get your friends, your coworkers or even your family involved. It's great to get input on your profile (or someone else's) from people who know you.
Plus, keeping friends in the loop by checking out different profiles together makes the whole process more fun! Just don't forget to get some guys involved. "We all know great men similar to the one we'd like to meet. They are our coworkers, brothers-in-law, acquaintances, etc.," says Anderson. "Get their opinion on your ad… and follow their advice!"
5. Do the Dirty Work
Remember that part about not expecting the perfect guy to come to you? Well, now's the time to go find him. Search through thousands or even millions of profiles by making use of different filters available on the site. Whether you narrow potential dates down by age, distance from you or even specific preferences like smoker or nonsmoker and hip-hop or classic rock, be proactive and look around at who's out there.
Jot down favorites you find as you go and create a list of your top 10. Some dating sites even allow you to bookmark profiles or create a list within the site itself. Then send a quick note to each guy to initiate the conversation. Be brief, be friendly and highlight a common interest if you can. For example:
Hi. I saw that you went to Vassar — I did too! What year did you graduate?
or
Hi, there! So, you love bulldogs? I have one (Sparky). You can see him in one of the pictures on my profile. What do you think? Is he cute enough for you?
If he hadn't come across your profile before, you know he'll check it out now.
6. First-Date Prep
Once you've chatted with someone long enough to get a vibe from each other, it's time to take things offline. While it can seem like you already know him, don't forget that he's still technically a stranger, and you should take the same precautions you would when going on any other first date.
Before you meet a guy face-to-face, you should Google him to see if what he said about his past (what he does for a living, where he went to school) matches up. It's also a good idea to have a brief phone conversation, which can help break the ice and give you a better sense of his personality. As for the actual date, Roberts emphasizes the importance of meeting in a public place like a bar or restaurant and arranging your own transportation so you won't be relying on — or stuck with — anyone.
7. Still No Luck?
If you haven't met a match yet, Anderson points out that you shouldn't give up — just change your profile. "If you don't receive the replies you desire, have you tried a new screen name? New photos? New ad?" Try making your screen name more specific — using an ordinary one puts you at risk to blend in with thousands of other similar names.
And try uploading more than just one photo; it'll give other members a better idea of what you look like. One final trick to tip the odds in your favor: "We recommend you post at least two ads simultaneously," says Roberts. One at a major Website with millions of members, and one at a specialty Website where you have a common interest with other members right off the bat. If you're active about doing your part to put yourself out there, chances are you will find what you're looking for.
Just Do It!
If you're still hesitant to try online dating, remember this: The pool of people who date online is growing exponentially. With major dating sites seeing membership in the millions, you instantly have that many more potential dates than what any local bar can offer.
Before you've even said hello, you've got a stat sheet in front of you telling you everything you need to know (and then some) about every guy on the site — and in his own words. Plus, you'll be able to meet people you'd never come across in real life. My boyfriend lived 10 blocks away, worked across the street from my office and grew up in the same town as I did, but neither of us knew the other existed until we discovered each other online. So just give it a try! You could be passing a great guy on the street every day and not even know it.
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