Friday 28 November 2008

Is Your Online Love Interest Really Who They Say They Are?


In this Internet age, online romance is as common as cyber cafes and reality shows, but for those who are looking for real love amongst the emails and jpgs, there's a little more needed than just knowledge of how the technology works. In order to find the love of your life online, you need not only to be able to read the words of your chosen cyber mate, but also read between, under, over and around them!


Everyone is becoming increasingly conscious about identity theft, but it doesn't even have to be as complicated as that to convince someone that you're someone you're not in a online dating situation. This means that once you've made a connection with someone online, you need to verify that they are the person they say they are. The road to real love found online is littered with shattered dreams when people have discovered they have been chatting to a married person, a person of the wrong sex, or even an underage computer geek looking for thrills! You need to protect your emotions as much as you would protect your person if you were meeting someone in real life - and that means digging around to make sure of whom you are chatting with.

What does the person tell you about themselves. Where do they work for instance - does their workplace have a website and if so, if you were to quietly check out that website would you find their name, and maybe even a photo? If there is a photo, does it match the description that they have given you about themselves?

What does your cyber mate tell you they are interested in? What evidence do you find that this is the case? For example, if they tell you they are interested in children or animals, do they have any children from a previous relationship (how much contact do they have - have you seen photos, a doting father/mother will want to show off pictures of their beloved offspring, even if they don't have much contact?), do they have pets?

If you ask personal questions are you given full answers or glib vague ones? If you make a search on the email address, or real name/address, of your friend, what do you find - email groups can be particularly revealing? Do they have other email identities? Have them send you something through real mail - such as a card, and do the same in return. Be wary of PO Box or work address only contacts - it could be very innocent, or it could be a flag of someone keeping you out of their real life for some reason or other!

Once you agree to meet your online partner in real life, make sure that this is in a public place. Ask someone to go with you until you make the first contact and are comfortable enough to be alone with them. If this isn't possible, ask someone to ring you about 20-30 minutes into the 'date' so that if you aren't comfortable or feel that something doesn't feel right, you can use this as an excuse to leave. Never meet an online contact without leaving enough information of where you are going, and who with.

Although many cyber romances end in disappointment, and some of them end with disillusionment about the possibility of find real love through the Internet, there are also a number of success stories that show that if you are careful enough, and do your background research, then you should be able to uncover the 'players' and move on to find another sincere person looking to find the love of their life online.

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The Soul Mate Solution : Is There One Perfect Person for You?


by Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D.


Do you think your "soul mate" is out there somewhere, that individual who can complement you and fulfill you like no one else? Is there one man or woman who is ideally suited to you? Is it your task to find this mystery person?

Surprisingly, many singles hold to the notion-either consciously or subconsciously-that there is one perfect, preordained partner for them. They were made for each other, the thinking goes, and they must simply locate this person or forever feel incomplete.

This thinking is fueled by many Hollywood love stories in which a man and woman are united after a series of near misses and obstacles. At long last, they gaze deeply into each other's eyes and embrace, usually amidst the swell of violins playing in the background or fireworks exploding overhead. And they know without a doubt that they-the two of them and only the two of them-were meant to be together.

For many of us, religious faith fosters the one-perfect-person idea. We often hear the saying, "It was a match made in heaven," implying that God handpicked a particular man and woman to be joined together. If these two somehow goof and marry someone else, they have missed God's perfect will.

I admit that the soul mate supposition is appealing. We love the notion that out of the millions of people in the world, my sweetheart and I were drawn together in a way that was totally outside of our control.

But, frankly, I think this idea is more fantasy than reality, more storybook whimsy than real-world wisdom. I don't believe that you could only be completely and blissfully happy with one person to the exclusion of all others.

Before you call me unromantic and cold-hearted, let me hasten to say this should come as great news to singles looking for a partner. After all, I hear dozens of singles every week complain about how hard it is to find a suitable partner. And if there is just one individual waiting for you out there in the wide world, the search for each other could take a very long time. If, however, there is not a "one and only" partner, a whole range of possibilities opens up.

How did I come to conclude that the soul mate scenario is a fallacy? During my thirty-five years as a psychologist, I have counseled dozens of men and women who were convinced they'd married "the wrong person," but who then went on to create top-notch relationships. Of course, I've counseled far more engaged or newlywed couples who were absolutely positive they had found their soul mate-only to file for divorce a few months or years later. But more to the point, I've worked with hundreds of people whom I knew could have been happily married to any number of people.

Perhaps most importantly, an extensive research study completed by the company I oversee, eharmony.com, revealed why some relationships succeed and others don't. This study examined five thousand married persons and especially two hundred couples who had "highly successful" marriages. We found that there are twenty-nine characteristics-including religious values, ambition, and energy level-that determine a couple's "compatibility quotient." That is, the more two partners match on these critical qualities, the better their chances of staying happily married. If a man and woman match on a preponderance of the characteristics, it's highly likely that they will have a terrific marriage.

One, Five, or Five Hundred Possible Partners?

A few months ago, I was talking with a couple of my staff members, let's call them Audrey and Mike, who are both in their late twenties. I posed the question, "How many people in the world do you think you could be happily married to?"

Audrey thought for a moment and then replied, "Five. I think there are about five men out there who match exceptionally well with me."

I couldn't resist giving her a good-natured jab. "There are approximately forty million single men in the U.S., and you could be happily married to just five of them? Wow, you are particular!"

She gave me a punch in the shoulder, and I turned to Mike. "Well, then, how about you Mike? How many people could you be happily married to?"

"Fifty," he said immediately. "I bet I could marry any one of fifty different women and be extremely happy."

They both looked at me and I said, "I think you're both selling yourselves short. I suppose there are five hundred-probably more-women with whom I could be extremely happily married."

"That many, Neil?" Audrey said. "Seems like you aren't particular enough."

I reminded them of the study we conducted. "Out of all the women in the world, there must be at least five hundred with whom I would match on all twenty-nine items. And there are probably thousands more I'd match with on, say, twenty-six or twenty-seven items and still be quite satisfied."

As I told my associates, I believe soul mates are made, not born. You start with the ingredients for a highly compatible, successful relationship, and then you work to develop closeness and intimacy. Does this mean you lower your standards when it comes to finding a partner? Absolutely not! It simply means you "expand your field of vision."

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Wednesday 26 November 2008

What are the benefits of a dating site?


There are huge benefits from using a dating site rather than meeting someone in a face to face in a bar. Here is a list that we complied to show you what you can be benefiting from.


Number 1 :
When you use a dating site you decide who and when you want to speak to someone. When you go to a bar or club you are unprotected and anyone can come up and start talking to you. By using a dating site, you take control and you decide who it is you want to talk to.

Number 2 :
Another benefit is that you can see who you are attracted to when you read the online profiles. You can see their pictures and what they like and dislike and if you have something in common then you can email them and if you have nothing in common then you can move onto to the next profile.

Number 3 :
You will use the dating sites email that they will set up for you rather than use your own. This is done for privacy. If you end up not liking the person you are corresponding with then you can simply not answer the email or you can let them know you really have nothing in common and you don't think you should talk anymore. At least they won't bombard your home email.

Number 4 :
The dating site will have you fill out a profile and then when you submit that they will match them up in their databases and they will only match you up with people whose profiles somewhat match yours.

Number 5:
The beauty of online dating is that you can give out your personal information when you are ready. You don't have to give anyone your real name or any personal information about yourself until you feel comfortable.

Number 6:
There are going to be people who don't give their own pictures and the benefit of that is that when people don't use their own information that you can back off or you can see why they don't use their picture. Some people are embarrassed and they use another picture because they want people to like them for themselves not what they look like.

There are so many online dating sites that make sure that you sign with a well know site like Match.Com or eHarmony. Use secure sites and never give any personal information out to anyone unless you have been talking to them for quite a while.

You want to meet someone which is great but your main objective is to stay safe. With the rise of missing people as of late you want to be safe and online you can be protected as much as you can. You control the situation, no one has to know anything about you that you don't want them to know. That is the main benefit from a dating site.

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How to Write a Dating Site Profile


If you have made the decision to join a dating site in an attempt to find a potential match then you are probably already committed to becoming involved in a relationship. You have probably spent a great deal of time researching dating sites and deciding which one is right for you to join. Once you have decided to register with a dating site, the next step is to write and submit your profile to the site. This is very important because a well written profile will enhance your chances of making a connection.


If you put care and effort into writing your profile you are more likely to receive a high volume of positive responses then you would if you just threw together a profile without much thought. Your dating site profile should be honest, well written, informative and eye catching. This type of profile will ensure that you get noticed on the dating site and that your profile stands out from all the others.

Before beginning to work on your own dating site profile, take a little time to view some of the profiles already posted. In reviewing these profiles take note of what seems to really stand out to you. If you are impressed with a profile, examine it closely and determine why you find the profile so intriguing and try to convey this same form of intrigue in your own profile without copying anything directly. Trying to incorporate methods that you found interesting in the profiles of other members will result in your profile generating interest as well.

Also, if the dating site you have joined has a rating system for profiles or a log of how many times a profile has been viewed give careful consideration to profiles that are viewed frequently or have high ratings. Understanding what makes these profiles so popular will help you to write an eye catching profile for yourself. The first step to writing a successful dating site profile is to research the existing profiles of other members and figure out what works and does not work about them.

Once you have done your initial research of other profiles, it's time to begin working on your own profile. Most dating sites offer a template for providing your profile. Before you are ready to start entering information, print out the template so that you can work on your profile away from your computer and give careful thought to your answers.

Once you have created a rough draft of your profile, put it aside for a day or two and then take a look at it again and make sure everything still makes sense and that your profiles conveys the intended message. You can even take the opportunity to have a friend review your profile before you post it to the dating site. While you may be in a hurry to get your information posted, the extra time you spend preparing your profile will make your profile appear more polished than most.

Honesty is crucial to writing a successful dating site profile. You may be tempted to write a profile that is bound to attract attention but that is not exactly true but this really won't help you to find a suitable match. Your false profile may lead to many responses but you are not likely to receive responses from those who share your interests. If you really want to attract responses from those who enjoy the same activities as you then it is important to write an accurate profile of yourself.

For example it may impress those reading your profile to hear of your love of the theater, fine dining and the arts but if you are really a person who enjoys hiking and then enjoying a burger at a local diner with posters of Elvis Presley on the wall then you are not likely to find a suitable match by touting your love of the finer things in life.

Posting a picture is also very important to writing a successful dating site profile. While you may be self conscious about your appearance and hesitant to include a picture, neglecting to post one will lead people to assume the worst about your appearance. It will also make your profile not stand out as well as it would if you include a picture. Having a face to associate with the profile makes it more memorable and likely to receive a response. Choose a picture that is an accurate representation of your looks and conveys a sense of who you really are. If you are into glamor and appearance by all means use a photo of yourself where you are looking your most glamorous.

There is nothing wrong with that as long as it reflects your true personality. However, if you are more of an outdoorsy and simple type choose a picture that shows your natural beauty. Don't hesitate to include a picture with your dating site profile because profiles that do not include a photo are easily overlooked.

You can write a truly successful dating site profile. The keys to doing so are to research other successful profiles, put careful thought into writing your profile, answer questions honestly in your profile and include a picture. All of these tips will ensure that your profile stands out from the others on the dating site and that elicits the response you are looking for to your profile.

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Monday 24 November 2008

Before Looking for a Partner, Look Within Yourself


by Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D.


Mark and Gina came to see me on a chilly, rainy afternoon. The weather outside seemed to match the mood in my counseling office when this couple plopped down on the couch across from me. Their whole demeanor was frosty and frigid.

"What brings you in for therapy?" I asked them.

They looked at each other, and then Mark spoke. "To put it bluntly, we're miserable. We've been married four years, and every day has been a challenge. We're wondering if we should even keep trying."

I asked Gina if that was the way she saw it.

"I'm afraid so," she replied. "About two days after we returned from the honeymoon, we both had the sickening feeling that we had made a huge mistake. It's been downhill since then."

As our session unfolded, Mark and Gina told a story I've heard scores of times from marriage partners in peril. After a blissful courtship, they married and almost immediately discovered vast differences. They were opposites when it came to communication style, conflict resolution, personal habits, and a few dozen other qualities that come to light when you live with someone. Somehow all these differences were pushed aside and ignored amid their initial intoxicating feelings of infatuation.

So they ended up at my office, attempting to figure out how a relationship that held such promise could plummet to the depths of drudgery.

Gina said something that day I wish every single person could hear and grasp:

"I realize now that I had no idea who I was before I got married. I was thirty years old, and I just wanted to get married while I had the chance. Mark was a nice guy who had a good job and came from a solid family. I figured, What more could a girl want? Unfortunately, I had only the vaguest notion of my deep longings, my unique personality traits, my strengths and weaknesses. And since I didn't know who I was, I didn't have a clue about the kind of person I needed for a partner."

As this couple painfully discovered, you can't select the right person to marry until you know precisely who you are-unless you're lucky. But nobody should rely on luck when it comes to a decision that determines who will be your lifetime roommate, financial partner, joint parent of every child you have . . . and ten thousand other crucial matters.

You can make a great choice of a marriage partner-and the place to start is with a careful understanding of exactly who you are. The more you know about yourself, the clearer will be your sense of inner direction when it comes to finding the love of your life. With increased knowledge about your physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual qualities, your skillfulness as a mate selector will soar. People who find dating confusing and bewildering almost always lack familiarity with themselves.

Scratch Beneath the Surface

I'm often amazed and alarmed at the lack of knowledge singles have about themselves. Whether in therapy or discussions after speaking engagements, I frequently ask single men or women to tell me about themselves. Most do well at describing external aspects of their life: "Well, I work as a computer programmer, I love to ski and roller-blade, and I'm very active in my church group." But when asked about their personality type, communication style, character strengths and weaknesses, or dreams for the future, they grope for responses: "I, uh, well . . . I guess I need to think about that some more."

So how do you go about understanding yourself better? There's no crash course on self-discovery, but let me offer four ways to get started:

1. Write in a journal or notebook every day. You don't need to write for more than ten or fifteen minutes, but it's critical that you record your honest thoughts and feelings as they come to you. The goal is to practice tapping in to your internal reservoir.
2. See a counselor. You don't need to be in crisis to visit a therapist. Schedule four or five sessions to explore your family background, personality makeup, and goals. You may wish to take a personality test (such as the MMPI or Myers-Briggs) and discuss the results with the counselor.
3. Read something every day that stimulates your internal process. For example, I read a chapter of the Bible every morning. Other people prefer poetry or psychology books or novels that explore spiritual themes. This kind of reading has a way of leading you toward the center of yourself. If you read with a personal perspective--that is, with an eye for how the writing affects you and speaks to your daily needs--you will get more deeply in touch with your inner thoughts and feelings.
4. Spend regular time with people who know themselves well and who encourage you to talk about what you feel most strongly. Get personal with these people. Try to understand them as best you can, and tell them as fully as possible about who you are.

The payoff for all this self-discovery and self-awareness is simple but profound: Men and women who know themselves well stand an excellent chance of selecting a mate well suited to them. Conversely, those people who are largely unaware of their inner workings make a decision as if they're spinning a roulette wheel-they cross their fingers and hope for the best.

When it comes to something as critical and all-encompassing as marriage, it's simply unwise to "hope" for the best when you can know for certain who would make the best partner for you.

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10 Ways to Recharge Your Romance


Early in a relationship the romance factor is very high. The romance is seemingly effortless and it seems as though the romance will never fade. You may find, however, that over time the romance does fade and the relationship doesn't seem as exciting as it did in the beginning. This is natural as a couple becomes more familiar with each other they begin to make less of an effort in the romance department. When this happens it is time for the couple to start making a conscious effort to recharge their romance.


Recreating your first date can be one way to recharge your romance. Both partners probably put a tremendous amount of effort into their first date and it was probably an incredibly romantic night for both of you. Reenacting this first date by not only returning to the sight of the first date but also putting the same effort into preparing for the date can help to recharge your romance by reminding you of how exciting your relationship was in the beginning.

Leaving your work at the office is another way to recharge your romance. If you are constantly allowing your work life to interfere with your romantic life it is time to put your romance ahead of your career. While it is okay to talk to your partner about work and how your day went, obsessing over work is not acceptable and can put out the fire in your romance rather quickly.

Giving your partners flowers or small gifts for no reason can also recharge your romance. This lets them know that you still think about them when the two of you are apart and that your love for them is always on your mind. The gifts don't have to be expensive or extravagant but if they truly come from the heart they will help to recharge your romance.

Another way to recharge your romance is to be spontaneous. Romance often fades when a relationship becomes routine and the partners begin to take each other for granted. Spicing things up by suggesting new activities on a whim can reintroduce the romance in your relationship. Too much planning and debate about what to do or where to go can put a damper on the activity or trip before it even takes place. Excessive planning can make something seem dull while spontaneity has the opposite affect of making the activity seem more exciting.

Spending time apart can also recharge a romance. It may sound counterproductive but having your own activities and interests keeps you from becoming bored with your partner. Spending time together is very important but spending time apart is equally important because this time apart gives you the chance to grow as an individual which can enhance your relationship.

Quality time together, just like time apart, can also help to recharge your romance. You need alone time as a couple to reconnect and nurture your romance. A night out on the town for just the two of your or a quiet night alone at home can be equally effective for recharging your romance. Without this time together a couple will not have the opportunity to express themselves to their partner in a romantic way.

Incessant arguing can destroy the romance in a relationship. If you find that you and your partner are arguing constantly or over every little thing, it's time to really evaluate the relationship and figure out why you are arguing so much. Believe it or not, you may find that this arguing is a subconscious attempt to try to recharge your romance. Arguing invokes passion and you may be trying to bring that passion into your relationship. If you find yourself doing this, it's time to realize that the arguing is having the opposite effect and that you have to stop this unhealthy pattern. Once you realize that there are other ways to recharge a romance your arguing will subside.

Making a concerted effort to impress your partner can also recharge the romance in a relationship. As a relationship progresses there is often a sense of familiarity and comfort that emerges and results in the couple feeling as if they no longer need to try to impress their partner. They may begin to let their appearance go or stop going out of their way to please their partner. Reversing this by returning to your old ways of trying to impress your partner can go a long way in recharging romance in a relationship.

Taking a trip together can also have the effect of recharging your romance. While planning a trip may be stressful most people relax and enjoy themselves once they reach their destination. Planning a trip with your partner will give each other the opportunity to enjoy each other's company without the worries and hassles of everyday life.

Turning off the computer for a few days can be a really simple way to recharge your romance. Many couples use their computers often to check email, search the Internet or chat with others and this time spent on the computer can really add up and begin to take time away from your partner. Time can fly when you are computing and you may find that you have wasted an entire night on your computer. You may find that if you turn the computer off for a few days, you have a lot more time to spend with your partner and the romance may naturally return to your relationship.

It is natural for romance to begin to fade if the partners begin to take each other for granted and stop trying to impress each other. Romance doesn't exist on its own; it needs to be nurtured in a loving way in order to survive. Recharging your romance may seem like a daunting task but it really isn't. Making an effort to spend time together, showing your partner that you care and scheduling time together and apart are all simple ways to recharge your romance.

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Friday 21 November 2008

Internet Dating Mistakes


So you have been sloughing through those endless profiles on your internet dating site and have come up with someone who interests you. There has been an exchange of emails. He sounds fun and witty and you begin to look forward to his messages.


You find yourself getting up earlier in the morning just to log on whilst you drink your coffee to see if he has sent a response to your latest remarks. During the day you find yourself compiling witty replies in your head and suggestive lines to throw his way. This has gone on for a couple of weeks and he suddenly asks if he can call you. Your chest expands; you are really excited and arrange a time.

Now you are curled up in your favorite chair waiting for the call. Guess what it goes well, the same light banter, his voice is not what you expect but that is OK. You talk for an hour. This becomes a daily ritual which you begin to plan your time around. And then he invites you to dinner…

Preparing for that ‘first’ date

It has been a while since someone invited you out to dinner (you may be just starting dating after your divorce). Your immediate thought is what to wear, need my hair done etc. This means that you spend the best part of a week running around with the one thought in your mind “I must get this right”.

You seem to have disappeared and you feel that you need to invent a new person to go on this date. In order to be that person you have to package yourself in some particular way. There must be some key that you can find, a particular dress, new haircut etc. You believe that you need to make yourself more appealing.

Is this a Relationship?

The evening has arrived and you meet at the arranged restaurant (good step, as all the dating advice recommends that you meet in a public place). You are especially nervous and excited but also slightly uncomfortable because the shoes are new and you feel a bit wobbly in them. It is strange you recognize this person but at the same time you don’t.

The voice you know that but he does not look like the person in the photograph, taller, shorter a bit heavier or gangly something is not as you imagined. Anyway he seems quite at ease but maybe that is just a contrast to how you are feeling. Initially conversation is going well as there are points of contact from your previous conversations but it isn’t going anywhere.

By the main course you are starting to drink a little too much to fill in the silences. Your feet really hurt now and you are taking surreptitious glances at your watch – only 9 o’clock. No dessert thanks and by the way you have an early start in the office tomorrow so you have to go soon. Can’t think of anything but getting out of the shoes. Yes it was good, do call me… Fantasy Relationships

Next day or later in the week, the emails/calls are still coming and you continue to respond. It’s a though you have never met and you can get on with the easy going repartee that has become almost a habit.

In your mind he is something you want him to be, well not quite but you can have yourself believe that he is whilst you exchange messages and late night calls. You are starting to develop a whole life in your head around this person, you imagine where you can live with him, what you will do, holidays together in fact everything you ever want with someone.

This is taking up a lot of head space but that is enjoyable in itself, you feel connected to someone if only in your mind.

Keeping Dating in Balance

A week or so more and you are becoming slightly irritated by the emails and are not responding quite so readily. But he asks you if you want to come out for another evening and that heart leaps to your throat again.

You agree even though there is a vague memory of discomfort from the first meeting. Well you remind yourself that all the dating advice recommends that it is about getting to know someone. I can’t expect to feel comfortable about everything immediately.

He is suggesting dinner again, you don’t really want to but you are not sure what you want to do so you go along with it. You had arranged to see a girl-friend that night but you tell her you can’t make it, she seems a bit put-out but you put that thought aside.

The second evening seems very long.

Too much too soon – It is so tempting to put all your focus on one person at a time when you are looking to date on the internet. But it is important to remember that not only are all those people out there looking at numerous people at any one time but you could be too. If you put most of your time and energy into any one contact at a very early stage this means that you cannot scout, screen and sort other possible people. •

Dating Advice #1: Don’t make a big investment emotionally in any relationship without solid foundations.

Throwing money at it - Recent research has revealed that online daters are spending up to £1,500 a month taking out people who they realize, after the first 15 minutes are not for them. (Independent, June 2005) Remember be authentic, the packaging is only that and is not who you are.

Meeting for a cup of coffee or a drink will give you enough time to assess whether this person is someone you want to know better. •

Dating Advice #2: Packaging is not the answer, be clear about who you are, what you want in a relationship and set about finding it in a considered way.

Thinking you know this person – We can easily be seduced by email conversations and late night telephone calls. Apart from the actual chemistry that is missing in these exchanges there is that part that you know very well yourself, where you just reveal what you want at any given time.

If you know what your requirements are in a relationship this will help you assess quite quickly if this person is for you. Most of us allow things to just drift along and are not pro-active in having a plan for ourselves when it comes to relationships. •

Dating Advice #3: How is it we plan for everything except relationships? Take some time to plan what you want in a relationship before you get into a habit or rut with someone.

Fantasy – it’s only in your head – It is very easy to live in the fantasy of a relationship even from a very early stage. After all that is why you have signed up on the dating site in the first place – you want a relationship. However, being truthful with yourself is easier if you have a relationship plan.

Then you can ask yourself, from the information you have so far, does this person tick some of my boxes. If so then you can continue to find out more about them whilst finding out about other people at the same time. Projecting onto any one person, especially at a very early stage, all you hopes and dreams is likely to bring you some amount of pain and heartache when you find this isn’t going to work out.

Dating Advice #4: Spread the emotional load by giving your attention to a number of people, it helps deal with the ups and downs of the dating cycle if you are not exclusive right from the start.

Not paying enough attention to the signals – it is amazing how quickly we can get ourselves into habits and relationships, however new, are one of those areas. We all like attention and contact with people but what about the rest of your life, those friends who have been around for you, your family.

Anyone who might be for you will, you hope, want to share life with a person who has a balanced life and that includes all the other activities and people in your life. Straining towards exclusivity at a very early stage and throwing all your time and attention towards the relationship can be a disaster.

Dating Advice #5: Get out there and have any dating and relationships fit in with your life as a successful single. Know what your requirements, needs and wants are and look for someone who can meet those.

About the Author
Trisha Stone, London, England

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How to Write a Dating Site Profile


If you have made the decision to join a dating site in an attempt to find a potential match then you are probably already committed to becoming involved in a relationship. You have probably spent a great deal of time researching dating sites and deciding which one is right for you to join. Once you have decided to register with a dating site, the next step is to write and submit your profile to the site.


This is very important because a well written profile will enhance your chances of making a connection. If you put care and effort into writing your profile you are more likely to receive a high volume of positive responses then you would if you just threw together a profile without much thought. Your dating site profile should be honest, well written, informative and eye catching. This type of profile will ensure that you get noticed on the dating site and that your profile stands out from all the others.

Before beginning to work on your own dating site profile, take a little time to view some of the profiles already posted. In reviewing these profiles take note of what seems to really stand out to you. If you are impressed with a profile, examine it closely and determine why you find the profile so intriguing and try to convey this same form of intrigue in your own profile without copying anything directly. Trying to incorporate methods that you found interesting in the profiles of other members will result in your profile generating interest as well.

Also, if the dating site you have joined has a rating system for profiles or a log of how many times a profile has been viewed give careful consideration to profiles that are viewed frequently or have high ratings. Understanding what makes these profiles so popular will help you to write an eye catching profile for yourself. The first step to writing a successful dating site profile is to research the existing profiles of other members and figure out what works and does not work about them.

Once you have done your initial research of other profiles, it's time to begin working on your own profile. Most dating sites offer a template for providing your profile. Before you are ready to start entering information, print out the template so that you can work on your profile away from your computer and give careful thought to your answers. Once you have created a rough draft of your profile, put it aside for a day or two and then take a look at it again and make sure everything still makes sense and that your profiles conveys the intended message.

You can even take the opportunity to have a friend review your profile before you post it to the dating site. While you may be in a hurry to get your information posted, the extra time you spend preparing your profile will make your profile appear more polished than most.

Honesty is crucial to writing a successful dating site profile. You may be tempted to write a profile that is bound to attract attention but that is not exactly true but this really won't help you to find a suitable match. Your false profile may lead to many responses but you are not likely to receive responses from those who share your interests. If you really want to attract responses from those who enjoy the same activities as you then it is important to write an accurate profile of yourself. For example it may impress those reading your profile to hear of your love of the theater, fine dining and the arts but if you are really a person who enjoys hiking and then enjoying a burger at a local diner with posters of Elvis Presley on the wall then you are not likely to find a suitable match by touting your love of the finer things in life.

osting a picture is also very important to writing a successful dating site profile. While you may be self conscious about your appearance and hesitant to include a picture, neglecting to post one will lead people to assume the worst about your appearance. It will also make your profile not stand out as well as it would if you include a picture. Having a face to associate with the profile makes it more memorable and likely to receive a response. Choose a picture that is an accurate representation of your looks and conveys a sense of who you really are. If you are into glamour and appearance by all means use a photo of yourself where you are looking your most glamorous.

There is nothing wrong with that as long as it reflects your true personality. However, if you are more of an outdoorsy and simple type choose a picture that shows your natural beauty. Don't hesitate to include a picture with your dating site profile because profiles that do not include a photo are easily overlooked.

You can write a truly successful dating site profile. The keys to doing so are to research other successful profiles, put careful thought into writing your profile, answer questions honestly in your profile and include a picture. All of these tips will ensure that your profile stands out from the others on the dating site and that elicits the response you are looking for to your profile.

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Thursday 20 November 2008

How to keep a good partner


When you find someone that you really like, you can use the term this one is a keeper. Well, once you find someone you really love and that someone is really good to you want to hold onto that person and you don't want to lose them. But what can you do to hold on to them. There are no rules and no guidelines to help you hold on to them. All you can do is do what you are doing. Treat them with respect and love them as you want to be loved yourself. You know the saying do unto others as you would have done unto you. This applies.


If you are dating someone for a long time and the relationship seems to be progressing then just keep on doing what you are doing, if it's not broke don't fix it. Let things go on the way they have been. Don't think about how good things are just live your life and let the relationship progress. Don't do anything that you know is going to make the other person mad. We are not saying walk on eggshells we mean, don't commit the relationship no-no's . Don't lie, cheat or steel or do anything that you know is going to cause problems.

Holding onto someone you love is a lot of work. Making a relationship work is hard. If you have a job that requires you to spend a lot of time in the office, plan a special day where you and your partner spend all day together, no cell phones, no computers just the two of you. Spending quality time together will keep you together. Keep the relationship fresh, do something romantic, have a nice home cooked candlelight dinner with flowers and their favorite meal and then a special night with candles and soft music, you can fill in the blanks.

Relationship killers are when you spend too much time working, too much time on the phone when you are together. If you want to have friends over for dinner, ask your partner first don't spring it on them that Tom and Helen are coming in 20 minutes. Always keep a good line of communication open. Always be considerate of the other's feelings and always say I love you at least 5 times or more a day. Send them an I love you text message. Write a note and leave it in their car so when they get in to go to work they will see it. Try to do something romantic as often as you can. Once you start doing it they will start and you will have romance everywhere.

There often is not a lot of romance in relationships especially when you have kids. Hire a babysitter and go out or send the kids to Grandma's and have a romantic night at home. You do what you can as much as you can as long as the love is there you don't have to worry.

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What is the right way to end a relationship?


You may not think that there is a right way to end a relationship. But you would be wrong. There is a right way and a wrong way. The wrong way would be to not ever call that person again and stop taking their calls. You have to image that you are the other person and the other person is thinking about breaking up with you would you feel so great if someone stopped returning your calls and stopped calling you. If you really were into the person it would hurt you and the goal in any break up is to split as friends. That cannot always be the case but you want to treat that person with as much respect as you want to be treated with.


Another wrong way is to lie to the person for the reason why you are ending the relationship. If they have a habit of being disrespectful then tell them. The reasons why you may be breaking up with the person is due to something that they cannot control. You have heard the phrase honesty is the best policy and sometimes being honest may hurt someone’s feelings but lying to someone is juts as bad.

Another example of right and wrong ways to end a relationship is to break up over text messaging or an email. In all honesty you should be face to face but depending on the reasons why you are breaking up, over phone which at one point was not acceptable is border line. But if the reason why you are breaking up because of a bad temper or something along those lines then you may feel safer over the phone. If you call and get the machine do not break up with someone over an answering machine.

Then you have the very rare occasions of the mutual break up, this doesn’t happen very often in long term relationships but there are those that do experience a stress free break up. Break ups are not easy, they are not easy to get through and they are not easy to do. You don’t want to hurt someone but it has to be. You cannot stay with someone out of guilt or obligation. It would not be fair to either one of you.

You want what is best for you when you end an relationship, you may still have good feelings toward the other person and you may wish them well. But you would be surprised at how many times you hear people are I feel bad and when they say I wanted to break up in June and now it is October but I felt bad because she was depressed or something came up or whatever happened. Unless a death in the family which would not be a great time to break up with someone. Think about how you affect someone’s feeling before you break up with someone because what comes around goes around.

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Wednesday 19 November 2008

Upgrading How You Relate


by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.


The only skills I knew when I was born were how to suckle and poop. So far I haven't found much use for either of these in my adult relationships.

On my computer I have installed some of the finest software to make my computer run faster, smoother, safer and with fewer crashes. The reality of these additions is I now have icons on my screen hauntingly reminding me that I haven't got much more than a clue about how to make them work. People often desire to upgrade or improve the quality of how their partner relates with them. Often a couple or person enters therapy with the notion that if their partner would improve then things in the relationship would become excellent. It is as though the person wants the therapist to install some sort of fancy software in the other person and then reboot the whole system.

The trouble with any upgrade or new program is each creates a new piece of learning or skill development which has to be mastered. Manuals have to be read, options explored and procedures experimented with. Only if the consumer is willing to put in the time and energy to build knew skills and knowledge is the upgrade worth its original expense.

The same phenomenon occurs in how we relate to our partners. Each improvement desired requires the "user" to become skilled and proficient in new ways. Yet in therapy I rarely hear a client say "upgrade me" so they can become capable of maximizing the potential of their primary relationship.

Many people approach how they relate in their primary partnership as though the skills are automatic. Any failure, or most failures, are seen as the other person's fault. On the occasion when a person does admit to a personal lack it is often brushed away by saying "this is who I am". However, we aren't born knowing how to master the intricacies of relating to another person. For most of us it took almost all of the first grade to learn the alphabet, a few spelling rules and how to add and subtract. After 5 hours a day, 5 days a week of endless repetition we finally mastered these minimal basics. Then summer came and we took 3 months off. Our poor second grade teacher spent the entire first month retraining us in skills we thought we had mastered. Sadly, few adults are willing to even consider spending 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, learning to communicate with their primary partner. No wonder after 10 or more years together many couples still feel as if their relationship is in the second grade.

The first step in learning to relate optimally and in learning to protect our partners is to be willing to upgrade ourselves. When you seek to improve the quality of your life together then I would suggest you begin with a rigorous and honest self evaluation.

This evaluation can begin by utilizing the following six questions.

1) What skills do you need to learn in order to become a more effective partner?

This step involves figuring out what skills you lack in order to make the most of your relationship. This can include a wide range of things. For instance, do you even speak, yet alone understand, the language of your partner. If you tend to speak in a language of feelings and your partner speaks in a language of analysis are you proficient in speaking from their cognitive perspective? Do you know how to respect and value the usefulness of their language and thought pattern? Other skill areas can include do you know how to touch your partner in ways they like being touched, or listen to them in ways they find attentive. You can form your own list, often based on complaints you have heard a thousand times in a thousand ways as your partner struggled to communicate with you.



2) What skills do you already have which need further development in order to be optimally useful?

Many basic skills for relating and communicating are already known by most people. However, if you know how to listen but can't do it for more than 2-5 minutes consecutively then this skill is underdeveloped. If you know how to be intimate, providing it doesn't last too long or get too intense, then your intimacy skills need some work. Frequently people come to therapy complaining that they have already tried listening, touching, caring, or whatever and that none of these accomplished what they wanted. On inquiry it becomes clear that they tried each of these 3 or 4 times for about 1-3 minutes each and when they weren't met with an awesome response the person gave up. Upgrade your skills.

3) What habits do you have which interfere with the quality of how you and your partner relate?

Most of us have through the years acquired a variety of habits. Some of these will be conscious and others non-conscious and many are useful. Fortunately most of us can drive by habit. Each time we enter our car it isn't some new adventure. Along with useful habits we often have ones which don't work well in our primary relationship. When I got married I had a basic non-conscious habit of shedding my shoes and socks as I entered the house leaving a trail, like breadcrumbs in Hansel and Gretel, by which one could track my sojourn from the door to the bedroom. For the rest of the night I would agilely step over and around them never conscious they were there. I found this skill useful as a bachelor. However, my partner was unimpressed with this physical prowess. The reduction in tension was amazing when I learned the strange skill of carrying them into the closet.

Now the socks thing was easy. A little motivation and a few weeks of practice and the whole thing was fixed. A more complicated example has to do with a tone of voice I used to use when I was scared or anxious. The tone, which I was unaware of, had a quality which devastated my partner. When she heard that tone she believed I was saying she was "the stupidest human being on the face of the earth". When I finally acknowledged this as a problem, several years after she first complained, it took three diligent years to break the old habit and learn a new set of skills. First, I had to learn to hear that particular tone. Second, I had to learn how to stop it. Then I needed a replacement tone. Finally, I needed new ways to deal with feeling scared or anxious.

This last example lends itself well to the next three questions:

4) Are you willing to commit the time necessary to master upgrading how you relate?

Some tasks we can learn quickly. Others, like learning to master language patterns or listening skills take time. If you are serious about learning to relate better and to provide protection to your partner I would suggest you are going to have to find time. This often turns people off because they believe they don't have time available or that they are too tired from their day. Odd though, because is softball season starts, or the garden is ready to plant, or the snow has cleared from the golf course many people suddenly have time. You can tell what matters to a person by how they spend their time. Based on the time you spend how important does your partner feel? And how much would they believe you are sincerely interested in improving the quality of how you relate? Upgrading your skills will require time consuming practice and study.

5) Are you willing to exert the sacrifice and self discipline necessary to accomplish learning?

Learning takes effort. How many years of practice did it take you to you to go from learning to count to being able to do algebra or geometry? Most of us practiced 9-12 years or more. Do you find your partner less complicated than math? I doubt it. Practice, practice and more practice.

Second, learning takes instruction. For most of the skills any of us have mastered we have had teachers, books, videos, friends or mentors to teach us. Frequently we required a combination of several of these. So, in learning to relate better it would be logical that you will require the same. Do you have teachers? Are you reading books or watching videos? Are you learning from friends (who know how to relate well)?

6) Will you suspend your ego often enough and long enough to allow your relationship to flourish?

Perhaps Nelson Zink put it best in his book Structure of Delight when he wrote something to the effect of "....would you rather be happy or right...?". Winning in relationships means either both persons win or both persons lose. All to often I hear fights where each person eventually turns to me expecting I will declare one or the other "right"! This is a losing proposition, for if one is right then both will lose. It is critical for you to learn to find what is valuable and useful in everything your partner presents and to reinforce and celebrate this. To do so requires suspending your own desire to win or be right and allow room for both of you to contribute, succeed and flourish.

This six question inventory can provide you with a starting place to learning to upgrade your relationship. Approximately December 27th the next article will appear on Friend, Stranger or Enemy? This article will build on the fact that between adults there is no such thing as unconditional love.

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Online Dating For The Shy Person


Are you a bit shy and quiet in groups? Do you need to get to know someone a little bit before they get to see the real you? With the speed of life today, being shy and slow to open-up can be a real problem in the dating world. If you have considered online dating, you may have shied away from posting your picture and a profile on a website for the whole world to see. If you are a bit shy and looking to find someone special, consider giving eHarmony a try. eHarmony has a number of strengths for the shy person.


Privacy
eHarmony is wonderful about respecting the privacy of its members. You are unlikely to have a neighbor or coworker looking at your profile, because it is only available to your eHarmony matches. eHarmony allows you to decide when you share your picture with your matches. eHarmony also provides a way to communicate with your matches while still maintaining your anonymity. You can go so far as meeting a match in person without ever sharing your phone number, address, e-mail address or even your last name.

eHarmony Matching System
eHarmony matches their members based on 29 dimensions of compatibility found in successful relationships. You are matched with singles that can appreciate the person you are inside. The next step is to find out if the personal chemistry is there. eHarmony’s matching system also spreads your matches over time, so you will not be matched with fifty people in one day. This keeps you from being overwhelmed and allows to focus on a few matches at a time.

eHarmony Communication Process
The eHarmony communication process begins when you or your match decide to initiate communication.

The steps involve:

1) Asking and answering five multiple-choice questions.
2) Sharing your Must Have’s and Can’t Stands.
3) Asking and answering three short answer questions.
4) E-mailing one another within eHarmony’s anonymous message system.

With other online dating services, you may end up wasting a lot of time coming up with a snappy e-mail just to get someone’s attention. With eHarmony, your time investment grows only after you have had a chance to determine your match is interested in pursuing the match further.

The eHarmony communication process allows your relationship with your matches to grow over time. With each step, you share a little more with one another. This allows you to slowly get to know each other and to become comfortable with one another.

With time, the anonymity of the eHarmony communication process allows you to relax and be yourself. Once that happens, you are in a great place to find a wonderful person who will love and appreciate you.

If you a bit shy and haven’t found that special person yet, they may be waiting for you at eHarmony. Make a bold move and give eHarmony a try.

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Tuesday 18 November 2008

Online Dating - Talking To A Man For The First Time


Meeting new men online can be exciting and fun, but ultimately you want to meet them in person. Your first phone call with an online match may decide if the relationship moves forward or ends. Take the time to prepare for a successful first phone call.


Get A Calling Card
There is a good possibility that you will end up communicating with men that are outside your local calling area. Local toll calls can be quite expensive. A way around this is to get a calling card. Costco has a calling card for 2.9 cents a minute, for local and long distance calls. This compares to 10+ cents a minute from your local phone company.

Ask For His Phone Number
In order to preserve your privacy, do not give out your phone number to your online matches. When you are ready to talk on the phone with your online match, let him know in an e-mail. Say that you don't give out your number, but if he trusts you with his phone number, you would enjoy talking with him on the phone. If a man absolutely insists on calling you, close out the match. He does not respect your need to feel safe and secure.

Ask Him When Is A Good Time To Call
When one of your online matches gives you his phone number, write him back and thank him. Tell him that you are looking forward to talking with him and ask him when would be a good time to call. When you receive his response, e-mail him back with the approximate time you will call him.

Conversation Topics
Before you call your online match on the phone, review his profile and your correspondence with him. Use the information from his profile and your correspondence to come up with a few conversation topics. Write down four or five friendly questions that you would like to ask him. Should the conversation drag or you get a little flustered, you can use one of your questions to help get the conversation back on track.

Give Him Your Undivided Attention
When it comes time to call your online match, try to minimize your distractions. Don't call him from your cell phone while you are driving. Don't call him from your home while you are doing the dishes. Your match deserves your undivided attention. Since you are calling him, try to be understanding if you catch him in the middle of something and he is a bit distracted for a few moments.

Call Him From A Good Phone
Try to avoid using a cell phone or cordless phone to call your online match if you don't have good reception. Your match has been waiting a while to talk to you and he would probably prefer not having to struggle to hear what you have to say.

Keep The First Telephone Call Short
Try to limit your first telephone conversation to 15 minutes. The conversation will be long enough to get to know one another a little bit, but hopefully not long enough for either one of you to get bored. You are much better off having a call be 30 minutes too short rather than 5 minutes too long. Your goal should be to leave him waiting more.

Ask Him If You Can Call Him Later
When you are ready to wrap up your first phone call, tell him you have really enjoyed talking with him. Tell him you have a few errands that you need to take care of and ask if you can call him later. This gives both of you a chance to think about your phone call and an opportunity to look forward to the next. This will also let him know of your continuing interest in him.

Send An E-Mail After Your First Phone Call
If you had a successful first phone call, before you go to bed, send him a short e-mail saying that you enjoyed talking with him. This accomplishes several things:
1. It lets him know that you are still interested in getting to know him.
2. In terms of the next communication, it puts the ball in his court.
3. His response will give you a sense of his level of interest.
4. It is a great way to encourage him to pursue you.

Find Out About Your Match
Use the phone calls to try to lay the groundwork for meeting your online match in person. What type of food does he like? What activities does he enjoy? You can use this information to help you select the venue for your first meeting and give you ideas you can suggest as possible future dates.

The success or failure of your first phone call may be decided before anyone picks up the phone. Taking the time to prepare will give you the best chance for a great first phone call.

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Is online dating for me?


When people come off a bad relationship or they simply want to find a boyfriend or a girlfriend they try the clubs and bars and when that does not prove to be fruitful they want to try online dating. Online dating works for thousands of people. Like any of means of looking for a mate like bars and clubs, you cannot expect to meet Prince or Princess Charming on the first try. Most of these dating sites have a profile that you fill out. Then they use the answers that you can them and they are matched in their database for other members. They present you with the matches and then you can exchange emails through the email account they will set up for you. This way to you don’t have to use your own personal information.


In certain ways online dating is much safer, because you can email someone back and forth and they will never know anything about you unless you tell them. With so many missing people these days , safety is most important . When you go to the bars or clubs you can see people and even if you aren’t interested and they don’t get the hint. You can ‘t really hide. When you are online your home is your hiding place. These days these sites are so secure that you feel 100 percent safe.

Online dating can work for anyone. You may not find the person of your dreams right away but you cannot give up either. That is the great thing about online dating is that if you don’t like something in someone’s profile then you don’t have to contact them if you don’t want to. Finding the right online site can be the challenge. There are some great sites out there, you have eHarmony and Match.com are the most popular sites.

They usually have low prices or they offer free to join and free to fill out your compatibility sheets. Whichever site that you choose to use make sure they are a secure site. Some tips for online dating is never give out any thing personal about yourself unless you are ready to. The websites will offer you their own email for your own protection. Never meet someone for the first time in private. Don’t let them pick you up, always meet someplace. Arrange to have a friend call your cell phone in the middle of the date. If you need help getting out of there then they can help.

There are hundreds of ways to stay safe, there are many people who believe that online dating is so safe that forget the rules. It is very important to follow the guidelines the site gives you and safety rules for yourself. If you see someone’s picture and simply fall head over heels, remember it is an online site and so one can verify if pictures that people are putting up are themselves.

A perfect example, there is a woman Jennifer Kersee she is a reporter in Orlando, she has been missing for months and just recently her picture showed up on two dating sites using the picture that her parents used on the site to help find her. You just never know.

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Monday 17 November 2008

How to Write a Killer Online Profile


Without any doubt, Internet dating is the simple, quick and fun way to find the best dates possible. Although at first online dating was regarded as a masquerade leading many people to debate its efficiency and predict an unfortunate future for this practice, today the phenomenon enjoys a lot of exposure and positive feed-back, and has become the new trend in dating.


Contrary to early beliefs, Internet dating not only works, but also has the power to connect and match people in a blink of an eye! In addition, it allows people to interact in a fun, stimulating and relaxed manner, melting down all inhibitions and constraints characteristic to regular dating.

Amazed by the great efficiency of online dating and impressed by its non-demanding and entertaining nature, increasingly larger numbers of singles nowadays rely on various Internet resources such as Online Personals and Dating Services in their quest for suitable dates, a partner for a long-term relationship or even a life companion.

With the right Online Personals website, a properly conceived online advert, lots of confidence and good motivation, singles can find suitable dating partners quickly and effortlessly.

As soon as you become the member of a reliable free Online Personals website, you will receive various member benefits. These include: -Free Photo Profile (relevant pictures are the best substitute for words) -Ad Free Search (offers the opportunity to browse through the online advert database and find suitable matches)

-Ad Response Message (allows members to post comments regarding the content of viewed online adverts) -Unlimited access in chat rooms (the perfect place to find out more about anyone you are interested in).

Once you join the Dating – Online Personals Services that best suit your needs and requirements, the first thing you should do is start creating your own online profile.

Considering the fact that the online profile is a powerful tool for drawing attention, achieving good popularity and interacting with potential dates, it is very important to pay lots of attention when writing this kind of advert.

While an interesting online profile gives you a major advantage in finding the right dates, a poorly constructed profile will get you nowhere! Here are some hints on how to write a killer online profile, guaranteed to help you on the track of finding suitable dating partners: First of all, have fun writing your online profile!

When you have fun writing it, chances are the readers will also have fun reading it. Also remember to pay the right attention to your profile – elaborate the relevant aspects regarding your personality and interests, remembering to include all the necessary detail. Although you can edit your profile later on, it is best to submit a good profile right from the start.

Focus your writing on your personality and try to bring out the personal traits that separate you from the rest. Be original, inventive and describe yourself in writing just as you would in oral speech, avoiding using pretentious expressions and unneeded emphatic adjectives.

Avoid bragging about the size of your bank account, the car you drive or your great looks! These sorts of comments can put you in a bad light, generating undesirable results. While everyone appreciates a coherent and properly spelled online profile, you shouldn’t fall into extremes and write down an academic (and boring) description of you.

In order to obtain the best results, you should use warm, friendly and accessible language. Your online profile should breathe confidence and originality; it should be relevant, interesting and properly constructed.

Don’t hesitate to use humor! Everyone likes someone with a good sense of humor, so it is advisable to insert a few good jokes in your profile. However, be cautious when using this approach - stick to harmless, innocent jokes and humorous comments.

If you're not careful about the nature and amount of jokes in your profile, the readers might form a wrong impression and regard you as arrogant or annoying.

The same rule applies when you opt for self-deprecating jokes and sarcasm: use them carefully, as your goal is not to emphasize your major defects, but to bring out your qualities and appealing personal traits.

Also, be extra careful when describing your ex-dates and past relationships – it is best not to introduce unnecessary information about “what went wrong”, “who made the most mistakes” and “who ended the relationship”. When describing past relationships you should present a simple, brief story without untactful comments and tasteless details. Try to avoid using inadequate comments when describing your “dream date” as well.

Try to be as honest and sincere as you can! Although many people tend to exaggerate the things they write in their profiles, avoid lying at any cost! Sooner or later, the truth will be revealed and you may lose credibility, jeopardizing an existing relationship and making the task of finding matches more difficult in the future.

Last, but not least, make full use of pictures! A few relevant, high-quality personal photographs will add value to your profile and draw the interest of more potential dates. A good photo can tell a great story and can compensate for a less imaginatively written profile.

Choose your best photos and confidently present them to the opposite sex! Confidence and being positive are appreciated by the online dating community, so you have a lot to gain from attaching a set of representative personal photos to your written online profile.

About the Author : grojan fabiola,

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