by David W. Edgerly, Ph.D.
The only skills I knew when I was born were how to suckle and poop. So far I haven't found much use for either of these in my adult relationships.
On my computer I have installed some of the finest software to make my computer run faster, smoother, safer and with fewer crashes. The reality of these additions is I now have icons on my screen hauntingly reminding me that I haven't got much more than a clue about how to make them work. People often desire to upgrade or improve the quality of how their partner relates with them. Often a couple or person enters therapy with the notion that if their partner would improve then things in the relationship would become excellent. It is as though the person wants the therapist to install some sort of fancy software in the other person and then reboot the whole system.
The trouble with any upgrade or new program is each creates a new piece of learning or skill development which has to be mastered. Manuals have to be read, options explored and procedures experimented with. Only if the consumer is willing to put in the time and energy to build knew skills and knowledge is the upgrade worth its original expense.
The same phenomenon occurs in how we relate to our partners. Each improvement desired requires the "user" to become skilled and proficient in new ways. Yet in therapy I rarely hear a client say "upgrade me" so they can become capable of maximizing the potential of their primary relationship.
Many people approach how they relate in their primary partnership as though the skills are automatic. Any failure, or most failures, are seen as the other person's fault. On the occasion when a person does admit to a personal lack it is often brushed away by saying "this is who I am". However, we aren't born knowing how to master the intricacies of relating to another person. For most of us it took almost all of the first grade to learn the alphabet, a few spelling rules and how to add and subtract. After 5 hours a day, 5 days a week of endless repetition we finally mastered these minimal basics. Then summer came and we took 3 months off. Our poor second grade teacher spent the entire first month retraining us in skills we thought we had mastered. Sadly, few adults are willing to even consider spending 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week, learning to communicate with their primary partner. No wonder after 10 or more years together many couples still feel as if their relationship is in the second grade.
The first step in learning to relate optimally and in learning to protect our partners is to be willing to upgrade ourselves. When you seek to improve the quality of your life together then I would suggest you begin with a rigorous and honest self evaluation.
This evaluation can begin by utilizing the following six questions.
1) What skills do you need to learn in order to become a more effective partner?
This step involves figuring out what skills you lack in order to make the most of your relationship. This can include a wide range of things. For instance, do you even speak, yet alone understand, the language of your partner. If you tend to speak in a language of feelings and your partner speaks in a language of analysis are you proficient in speaking from their cognitive perspective? Do you know how to respect and value the usefulness of their language and thought pattern? Other skill areas can include do you know how to touch your partner in ways they like being touched, or listen to them in ways they find attentive. You can form your own list, often based on complaints you have heard a thousand times in a thousand ways as your partner struggled to communicate with you.
2) What skills do you already have which need further development in order to be optimally useful?
Many basic skills for relating and communicating are already known by most people. However, if you know how to listen but can't do it for more than 2-5 minutes consecutively then this skill is underdeveloped. If you know how to be intimate, providing it doesn't last too long or get too intense, then your intimacy skills need some work. Frequently people come to therapy complaining that they have already tried listening, touching, caring, or whatever and that none of these accomplished what they wanted. On inquiry it becomes clear that they tried each of these 3 or 4 times for about 1-3 minutes each and when they weren't met with an awesome response the person gave up. Upgrade your skills.
3) What habits do you have which interfere with the quality of how you and your partner relate?
Most of us have through the years acquired a variety of habits. Some of these will be conscious and others non-conscious and many are useful. Fortunately most of us can drive by habit. Each time we enter our car it isn't some new adventure. Along with useful habits we often have ones which don't work well in our primary relationship. When I got married I had a basic non-conscious habit of shedding my shoes and socks as I entered the house leaving a trail, like breadcrumbs in Hansel and Gretel, by which one could track my sojourn from the door to the bedroom. For the rest of the night I would agilely step over and around them never conscious they were there. I found this skill useful as a bachelor. However, my partner was unimpressed with this physical prowess. The reduction in tension was amazing when I learned the strange skill of carrying them into the closet.
Now the socks thing was easy. A little motivation and a few weeks of practice and the whole thing was fixed. A more complicated example has to do with a tone of voice I used to use when I was scared or anxious. The tone, which I was unaware of, had a quality which devastated my partner. When she heard that tone she believed I was saying she was "the stupidest human being on the face of the earth". When I finally acknowledged this as a problem, several years after she first complained, it took three diligent years to break the old habit and learn a new set of skills. First, I had to learn to hear that particular tone. Second, I had to learn how to stop it. Then I needed a replacement tone. Finally, I needed new ways to deal with feeling scared or anxious.
This last example lends itself well to the next three questions:
4) Are you willing to commit the time necessary to master upgrading how you relate?
Some tasks we can learn quickly. Others, like learning to master language patterns or listening skills take time. If you are serious about learning to relate better and to provide protection to your partner I would suggest you are going to have to find time. This often turns people off because they believe they don't have time available or that they are too tired from their day. Odd though, because is softball season starts, or the garden is ready to plant, or the snow has cleared from the golf course many people suddenly have time. You can tell what matters to a person by how they spend their time. Based on the time you spend how important does your partner feel? And how much would they believe you are sincerely interested in improving the quality of how you relate? Upgrading your skills will require time consuming practice and study.
5) Are you willing to exert the sacrifice and self discipline necessary to accomplish learning?
Learning takes effort. How many years of practice did it take you to you to go from learning to count to being able to do algebra or geometry? Most of us practiced 9-12 years or more. Do you find your partner less complicated than math? I doubt it. Practice, practice and more practice.
Second, learning takes instruction. For most of the skills any of us have mastered we have had teachers, books, videos, friends or mentors to teach us. Frequently we required a combination of several of these. So, in learning to relate better it would be logical that you will require the same. Do you have teachers? Are you reading books or watching videos? Are you learning from friends (who know how to relate well)?
6) Will you suspend your ego often enough and long enough to allow your relationship to flourish?
Perhaps Nelson Zink put it best in his book Structure of Delight when he wrote something to the effect of "....would you rather be happy or right...?". Winning in relationships means either both persons win or both persons lose. All to often I hear fights where each person eventually turns to me expecting I will declare one or the other "right"! This is a losing proposition, for if one is right then both will lose. It is critical for you to learn to find what is valuable and useful in everything your partner presents and to reinforce and celebrate this. To do so requires suspending your own desire to win or be right and allow room for both of you to contribute, succeed and flourish.
This six question inventory can provide you with a starting place to learning to upgrade your relationship. Approximately December 27th the next article will appear on Friend, Stranger or Enemy? This article will build on the fact that between adults there is no such thing as unconditional love.
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