How Singles Can Take Advantage of Valentine's Day

By Dr. Neil Clark Warren

There's a change in the way single Americans are looking at life. The old ideas about society's expectations are giving way to a new mind-set, to new ideas about managing life's most important decision. In my role as eHarmony founder, I get to touch base with many people who are searching for their life-long mate, and I am often astounded by the not-so-subtle change that is taking place.

The "needing" a mate to survive has become "wanting" a soul mate to create a brilliant, loving relationship. The idea that you can fix a mate once you're married and the relationship is already entrenched is fading, as more people insist on choosing emotionally healthy marriage candidates. And perhaps most importantly, singles are looking for mates who are similar to them in the ways that really matter most for long-term happiness.

Still, many of the singles I talk to dread Valentine's Day. They see it as a reminder that they don't have a special person sharing their life. They see all the romantic celebration around them and feel down and left out.

If you are single, why no celebrate this Valentine's Day in a way that will turn your thinking upside down. Use the day for your own purposes, to celebrate the changes you're making in your search for someone special.

You're Celebrating Your Decision to Select With Care

Most relationships are born based on four or five compatible traits (usually appearance, status, personality and chemistry). Based on my research, I learned that there are 29 critical dimensions in which most happy and successful couples enjoy great similarity. Once you start to learn about these traits, your mate selection process changes forever.

I firmly believe -- and my clinical experience has shown -- that individuals who are well-matched in these 29 areas have more enjoyable marriages. They share so much similarity that the mechanics of living together and loving each other just work well.

By celebrating this change in your thinking, you're virtually guaranteeing that you will never end up in a marriage where the differences between you and your spouse tear the relationship to pieces.

You're Celebrating Your Commitment to Emotional Health

Helping persons find a suitable marriage partner is an extremely complex endeavor, but in the center of all this complexity there is one simple and unchangeable truth -- a great marriage is built by two emotionally healthy individuals.

You may wonder how a person goes about becoming more emotionally healthy. Well, after seeing patients for 35 years, I've been able to draw a strong connection between emotional health and great decision-making. In fact, I believe that emotional health can practically be defined as a person's ability to make great decisions from moment to moment.

Let me repeat that: If you can make great decisions from moment to moment that balance a variety of concerns and input, you are enjoying emotional health.

For many years, my father made practically every decision for me. I was 30 years old. I was living miles away from him. He wasn't telling me what to do per se, but every decision I had to make was based on what I thought my father wanted me to do. He was living in my head, making my decisions for me.

The most important key to making great decisions is making sure that you are the only person in your "control booth." If you will commit on this Valentine's Day to this concept of emotional health, and live each day with an insistence upon making your own decisions, you will be laying the groundwork for a loving, healthy marriage somewhere down the road.

You're Celebrating Your Commitment to In-Depth Knowledge Before You Become Emotionally Involved

As human beings we are, in some ways, at the mercy of our biology. Ending a relationship, even with someone that we know is wrong for us, can be heart-wrenchingly difficult once we become emotionally connected. This quicksand effect has created mountains of misery for many well-meaning couples.

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is a commitment to getting to know someone well before becoming emotionally attached. By committing on this Valentine's Day to approach every date with your ears wide open and your objectivity in place, you can learn much of what you need to know about a potential partner before you lose your heart to him or her.

You're Celebrating Your Decision to Hold Out for Your Soul Mate

Many people decide that good enough is good enough. They decide that being alone is too painful and settle for the "next" person instead of the "right" person. I believe in the power of your soul mate, and I always encourage people to hold out until they meet that one special person.

This Valentine's Day, I want you to celebrate your refusal to settle. I'd like you to make a list of your top 10 "must have" traits and your top 10 "can't stand" traits. Don't be surprised when you discover how difficult this list is to create. You may have 50 items that you "must have" in a mate, but if you'll commit to a top-10 list, you will have given focus to your search and created a reasonable expectation.

Once they are completed, these two lists are absolute. This Valentine's Day, you are celebrating the power of your "must have's" and "can't stands." From this day forward, you will refuse to even consider a partner who does not fulfill both lists. This is the gold standard, and you will never accept less. As I'm fond of saying, a bad marriage is a million times worse than no marriage at all.

So, on Feb. 14, call some friends, order a pizza, go out on the town, do something special and celebrate the peace of mind you have in knowing that you are changing the way you search for a soul mate. Celebrate, knowing that when you do meet that soul mate, you'll be ready to create a brilliant relationship that will last the rest of your life.


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